


Memories That Would Never Come True

by Yumie_Ushioda



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Book Spoilers, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy Has a Crush on Evan Hansen, Dead Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Ghost Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other, Sad, Sad Ending, Swearing, Treebros, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29447148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumie_Ushioda/pseuds/Yumie_Ushioda
Summary: Connor had thought once that maybe if things turned out different, if- if he was different maybe he and Evan Hansen could somehow be friends. It made sense to him; the school stoner who threw a printer at his teacher in grade two and the quiet, twitchy kid who couldn’t speak ten seconds without stuttering… match made in heaven.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Miguel/Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)
Kudos: 12





	Memories That Would Never Come True

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in the middle of the night after finnishing the audiobook...   
> So it's just really sad lol.   
> I love my tree bros i really do but i really wanted to write a sad fic so here we are...  
> Hope you like this!

Connor had thought once that maybe if things turned out different, if- if he was different maybe he and Evan Hansen could somehow be friends. It made sense to him; the school stoner who threw a printer at his teacher in grade two and the quiet, twitchy kid who couldn’t speak ten seconds without stuttering… match made in heaven.

Evan was different than Miguel. Miguel always seemed happy and bright and Even Hansen looked like he could pass out if anyone touched him. Maybe that was the reason why Connor took interest in him in the first place. To say to himself that he could get over Miguel… even though he was the one to run away. He somehow knew that if he and Evan got closer, he would understand Connor. He would know when to stop asking questions that Connor didn’t want to answer… answers that he wasn’t ready to speak out loud. 

Connor somehow also knew that he wouldn’t make one of his split-second decisions with Evan… or he rather hoped. He hoped that he could be friends with someone. He hoped that Evan would want to be friends with him as well. He hoped that he wouldn’t screw anything up if that did happen. He wanted it. He really wanted to get closer to someone again. Getting paired together at biology with Miguel was perhaps the best thing that could happen to him and Connor, just like everything else in his life, he destroyed that as well. 

Having a glimpse of what he could only describe as ‘almost paradise’ and then losing it didn’t sit well with Connor. He wanted it back. He craved it; the closeness, the warmth, the happiness… His memories haunted him for several nights, almost taunting him, making him always remember, never letting him forget any second of it. He didn’t want to forget any of it but the once euphoria he felt was now causing him pain. He felt like an addict. Maybe not to Miguel per say but to having someone he could talk to. He wanted to talk to someone again, he wanted to spill it all out. He wanted someone to understand him again.

Connor thought that Evan Hansen was like him. Contrary to the popular belief, Connor wasn’t an idiot. He knew that Evan had problems. He didn’t know if he was as fucked up as Connor was but he knew he wasn’t ok. He could see it unlike anyone else who just called him a weirdo and moved on. They were usually the same person who called Connor a freak. He’d taken Miguel’s advice some time back. ‘’fuck ‘em.’’ It didn’t work as much as he thought it would. No matter how many times he said it to himself, he could still hear everyone else’s voice. Connor knew Evan could hear them as well, he wasn’t as good at hiding his emotions. 

He’d seen Evan walk by their house almost every day of the summer. So naturally he followed him one day, too curious and probably high to let it go. He found out that Evan worked at the park. He found out about his little tree obsession by listening to him talk about fun facts with a group of kids who looked no more than maybe 10 or 11.  
Connor never came back to the park. He feared that if Evan found out about him basically stalking him at where he worked, he would call Connor a freak just like everyone else did. A part of him knew that Evan wouldn’t call him any names. He hoped that if he showed just how broken he was to Evan, he wouldn’t back away from Connor, he would understand him and maybe they could heal together… Connor knew that it was all just wishful thinking. Things usually never turned out the way he wanted them to and almost always it was his own fault. 

As the summer came to an end for the first time in his life, he almost looked forward to the first day of school. He’d promised to himself about a month ago that he would talk to Evan at school, no matter what. It was the only thing kept him going. It was the only thing that kept him away from the pain Miguel’s absence caused.   
His last first day of school was nothing like how he imagined it would be but exactly how he knew it would be. Nothing had changed. Nothing. He was still the school stoner. He was still the same kid who everyone else’s parents told them to stay away from. He was so close to just punch someone, anyone who looked at him again but he saw Evan Hansen. He didn’t look happy either. He had a cast on which wasn’t there the last time Connor saw him. He wondered how he got it. 

He was about to try to talk to Evan or at least try to say hi to him but Jared Kleinman just had to make a comment about him. Conner hadn’t even realized that Jared Kleinman was there before he spoke. Somehow his presence annoyed Connor more than his words. In a split-second decision Connor snapped back. If the words that were spoken a few moments ago didn’t hurt him the sound that came out of Even Hansen surely did. He laughed at him. Even Hansen laughed at him… Conner’s near perfect dream world came apart. Of course, Even would laugh at him why would he be any different. What had even led Conner to dream about being friends with Evan Hansen. They had never even talked before. How could he assume that he would understand him when what everything he thought about Evan was false?

His anger took over. He said words that he couldn’t remember later on. Another split-second decision crashed over. He pushed Evan. He came to regret that decision later in the day. 

He found Evan one last time at the computer lab. He looked lonely while typing at the computer. Connor thought that he was about to have a break down with the way that he furiously typed without missing a beat or blinking even once. He shook his head a few times. His lips were sealed together in a tight, slim line but his bottom lip somehow managed to tremble. Then he stopped. Took a few steps away from the computer. He was alone. 

Connor decided to try to talk to him once more. Maybe Evan really hadn’t meant it. maybe Connor actually took it the wrong way. He regrated pushing him. Connor also had promised to himself and he wanted to keep that promise. Just one conversation, what could go wrong? He gave Evan another shot.

He asked him about his arm. He was actually curios, and it seemed like a good place to start. He fell from a tree huh? That seemed so… Evan like… somehow. Connor didn’t know, it suited him, he guessed, Evan’s reason. His cast was spotless, not even one name. Maybe Evan and Jared weren’t as close as he thought they were. It made him happy for reasons that he didn’t know. Jared was an asshole anyway. He offered to sign his cast. In big, bold letters he wrote his name. He wanted to say to the rest of the world that he cared about him, even if they didn’t. Or at least pretend that they were friends. Maybe that way they could slowly become actual friends… 

For a blissfully slow and silent moment the world looked colorful to Connor, he dared to dream of a happier future for a split second. He didn’t do or say anything stupid this time, he just dreamed being friends with Evan Hansen. He dreamed Evan talking about trees to Connor. He dreamed of teaching Evan how to draw trees. He dreamed talking… letting everything out. He dreamed Evan hugging him saying that everything will be alright. For a moment everything is alright for Connor. 

He read Evan’s paper before giving it back to him… his dream world crushed down once again. This time it hurt more than anything. ‘Because there is Zoe.’ Of course. Of course… the harsh words that came from his mouth the next moment weren’t one of his split-second decision. He spoke them, willingly, he chose his own words this time. He was angry. But more than that he was disappointed, he was hurt, all because of a stupid hope he had. He left Evan alone in the computer lab, calling after Connor. He didn’t turn back; he later regrated that decision as well. He left the school. he didn’t want to go back, ever again. 

He texted Miguel for the first time in months. He wanted to talk to him again. He wanted to see him again, he wanted to be close with someone again. The only response he got back was a thumbs up emoji. He gave it another shot. He texted what he felt. ‘I miss you.’ He never got a response. 

Now here he was, a ghost, watching over Evan Hansen. He’d somehow managed to pull his broken family together with a lie that Connor wished more than anything was true. The story he made up about the two of them was beautiful. It was a shame that they had never made it happen. Connor hadn’t thought about that place in so many years. When he looked back, there weren’t any bad memories he had about it. He had a few happy memories that would never come true now as well. He was thankful to Evan for not letting his dad be even more disappointed in him. He was thankful that Even made sure that he didn’t let them remember Connor as what he actually was. A mess, a freak, a stoner, a disappointment. 

Connor watched Evan slowly get the life that he always wanted, the life that Connor never deserved. Connor was happy for Evan. As he watched him over the past few weeks, he’d realized just how much Evan really deserved to be happy. 

Connor regrated not listening to him on his last day. If he stayed back and listened to what Evan was so desperately trying to explain to him things could have been different. It couldn’t be perfect, he knew it could never be perfect when he was so far from being perfect but maybe, just maybe things could have turned out okay for them. But it was over for him now… In another life maybe, Connor thought, an alternate universe or even a past life, where Connor is not as fucked up as he is now. Maybe then they could be friends or maybe something even more if Connor could finally get over Miguel. That would be nice he thought. Him and Evan together for forever. 

In the end Connor’s death hadn’t actually meant anything. The only one who managed to put a meaning to his name after his death was Evan Hansen who he only talked to twice, both times ending horribly. In Evan’s words ‘who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me.’ 

When you’re falling in a forest   
And there is nobody around   
All you want is for someone to find you  
You’re falling in the forest  
And when you hit the ground  
All you need is for someone to find you


End file.
